This weekend I spent some quality time with my family, which I haven't done in a while. The following conversations actually happened.
Me: "Guess what Mom? I have a date next week. Isn't that nice?"
Mom: "Oh, that's nice. Just don't expect anything from him."
Way to keep it real, mama.
Cousin's Grandmother: "How old is she now?"
Mom: "27."
Cousin's Grandmother: "Oh, she's ripe."
So at what age do I start to rot and mold?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Un-trainable Trainer
One of my favorite bloggers contributed this today! You can follow her other stories here and here.
From an early age, my mother taught me the importance of being well-groomed and always looking presentable.
When I was in college, I dated a guy who wore unattractive jeans (like not a good-looking wash) and old 80s hair metal band shirts. No, not the vintage-y kinds from Urban Outfitters. I’m talking about the kind that you can get from Target for $5. And they had holes in them from wear and tear. And they were faded. I eventually trained him to look nicer by introducing him to the American Eagle store. Baby steps.
Flash forward a few years, and I’m a single girl living in San Francisco. After I moved into a bigger building, I kept running into a really, really hot tall guy, and he’d smile at me every time and say hi. I’d smile back and then continue on with my life, because everyone knows that someone this attractive is definitely not going to be a “nice guy.” He liked my dog, so I think he used that as an “in” to every conversation we ever had. Our conversations were pretty limited, and they included him telling me his name, which I would promptly forget, resulting in me asking him and the doorman multiple times what his name was. How embarrassing.
Finally one day he told me that he wanted to hang out. That’s nice, sure. We’re neighbors. So we hung out, and I noticed that every single time I ran into him in the building and whenever we hung out, he’d be wearing sweatpants.
Oh, he’s a personal trainer. That’s understandable.
One night, we went to dinner after work. He’s a picky eater, and I eat everything, so I let him choose. OSHA Thai in SOMA? Sounds great. Meet you downstairs in 10 minutes.
When he showed up in the garage, I thought I was going to die. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a zip-up sweatshirt. I was wearing nice jeans and a top I’d worn to work (read: nice). I finally decided to ask if he owned anything besides sweatpants.
“Yeah, but no one’s ever seen me in non-sweats. I have about 70 pairs of sweatpants.”
Okay. Psycho.
I wrote this wardrobe mishap off as a one-time thing, because you know, it was late, we’d both been working a full day, yadda yadda.
Then one morning, he wanted to go have brunch. What does he wear? Another pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. This is getting kind of ridiculous, especially since we were in a super cute restaurant.
It was at that moment that I decided that dressing this guy was going to be an unattainable goal. It was actually borderline mortifying to be seen out in a nice restaurant with someone in sweats and sneakers. This project wasn’t worth tackling, despite his cute face.
I didn’t need to tell him that I couldn’t see him anymore; he was eventually arrested for threatening an ex-girlfriend, and then he was forced to move out of the building due to his sketchy record. Stay classy.
From an early age, my mother taught me the importance of being well-groomed and always looking presentable.
When I was in college, I dated a guy who wore unattractive jeans (like not a good-looking wash) and old 80s hair metal band shirts. No, not the vintage-y kinds from Urban Outfitters. I’m talking about the kind that you can get from Target for $5. And they had holes in them from wear and tear. And they were faded. I eventually trained him to look nicer by introducing him to the American Eagle store. Baby steps.
Flash forward a few years, and I’m a single girl living in San Francisco. After I moved into a bigger building, I kept running into a really, really hot tall guy, and he’d smile at me every time and say hi. I’d smile back and then continue on with my life, because everyone knows that someone this attractive is definitely not going to be a “nice guy.” He liked my dog, so I think he used that as an “in” to every conversation we ever had. Our conversations were pretty limited, and they included him telling me his name, which I would promptly forget, resulting in me asking him and the doorman multiple times what his name was. How embarrassing.
Finally one day he told me that he wanted to hang out. That’s nice, sure. We’re neighbors. So we hung out, and I noticed that every single time I ran into him in the building and whenever we hung out, he’d be wearing sweatpants.
Oh, he’s a personal trainer. That’s understandable.
One night, we went to dinner after work. He’s a picky eater, and I eat everything, so I let him choose. OSHA Thai in SOMA? Sounds great. Meet you downstairs in 10 minutes.
When he showed up in the garage, I thought I was going to die. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a zip-up sweatshirt. I was wearing nice jeans and a top I’d worn to work (read: nice). I finally decided to ask if he owned anything besides sweatpants.
“Yeah, but no one’s ever seen me in non-sweats. I have about 70 pairs of sweatpants.”
Okay. Psycho.
I wrote this wardrobe mishap off as a one-time thing, because you know, it was late, we’d both been working a full day, yadda yadda.
Then one morning, he wanted to go have brunch. What does he wear? Another pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. This is getting kind of ridiculous, especially since we were in a super cute restaurant.
It was at that moment that I decided that dressing this guy was going to be an unattainable goal. It was actually borderline mortifying to be seen out in a nice restaurant with someone in sweats and sneakers. This project wasn’t worth tackling, despite his cute face.
I didn’t need to tell him that I couldn’t see him anymore; he was eventually arrested for threatening an ex-girlfriend, and then he was forced to move out of the building due to his sketchy record. Stay classy.
Online Dating Algorithm Fail
Guest post from the always awesome KT Brazil. A real-life online exchange that occurred between her and a potential match on OKCupid. Wow.
(8:29:18 pm):86% match
(8:29:54 pm)KTBrazil:impressive, eh? ;-)
(8:30:02 pm):not sure yet ;-)
(8:30:10 pm)KTBrazil:9% enemy though. what's that all about
(8:30:25 pm):who knows, but its very low so no big deal
(8:30:38 pm)KTBrazil:can't all be rainbows and skittles
(8:30:56 pm)KTBrazil:how's your week been?
(8:31:07 pm):almost over
(8:31:22 pm)KTBrazil:werd
(8:31:35 pm):?
(8:32:24 pm)KTBrazil:sorry. I use outdated slang on occasion.
(8:32:43 pm):no worries
(8:32:47 pm)KTBrazil:i hear ya. only 8 hours seperating me from the weekend
(8:32:57 pm):and then what?
(8:33:11 pm)KTBrazil:awesome show at Congress on Friday night
(8:33:25 pm):ok...
(8:33:35 pm)KTBrazil:then i think my friends are throwing me a surprise birthday party on Saturday
(8:33:37 pm)KTBrazil:haha
(8:33:41 pm)KTBrazil:you?
(8:33:44 pm):great
(8:33:47 pm):and your on here why?
(8:35:18 pm)KTBrazil:...looking for love?
(8:35:20 pm)KTBrazil:haha
(8:35:49 pm):u seem to have friends, congress and a decent social life/scene...so why here?
(8:37:43 pm)KTBrazil:sure. but I don't fuck my friends. and the bar scene is great if you're looking for a fling, but that's not what I'm looking for
(8:38:10 pm):and the internet has quality, long term guys?
(8:38:23 pm)KTBrazil:who knows. joined yesterday.
(8:38:49 pm):I'd take my chances at Congress to be honest
(8:38:54 pm)KTBrazil:what are YOU looking for, Mr. JudgeyPants?
(8:38:58 pm):there is nothing but one nighters on here
(8:38:58 pm)KTBrazil:lol
(8:39:06 pm):Im just being honest
(8:39:30 pm)KTBrazil:so that's what you're here for then? the next one-nighter?
(8:39:44 pm):no, a two nighters
(8:39:48 pm):or three nighter
(8:40:11 pm)KTBrazil:fair enough
(8:40:57 pm):getting sex is easy but quality sex is not
(8:41:00 pm):at least not in tucson
(8:42:18 pm)KTBrazil:Well, maybe that's because the quality women are looking for more than you're offering
(8:42:53 pm):not at all...where are these quality women first of all? Im a quality guy but how do they know that?
(8:43:18 pm)KTBrazil:you just told me that you're not looking for anything more than casual sex
(8:43:28 pm)KTBrazil:how does that = quality?
(8:43:29 pm):when?
(8:43:53 pm)KTBrazil:so that's what you're here for then? the next one-nighter? no, a two nighters or three nighter
(8:44:13 pm):meaning more...ding dong
(8:44:45 pm)KTBrazil:haha, well that's not what it sounded like.
(8:45:01 pm):well how can it sound like anything when we are just typing..
(8:45:31 pm)KTBrazil:you're also kind of a snarky asshole, though. so maybe that's it. maybe that's just the typing too though.
(8:45:56 pm):ah, and here comes the name calling....nice
(8:47:12 pm)KTBrazil:dude, you've been trying to put me on the defensive this whole conversation. just trying to offer some constructive criticism.
(8:47:25 pm):goodbye DUDE
(8:29:18 pm):86% match
(8:29:54 pm)KTBrazil:impressive, eh? ;-)
(8:30:02 pm):not sure yet ;-)
(8:30:10 pm)KTBrazil:9% enemy though. what's that all about
(8:30:25 pm):who knows, but its very low so no big deal
(8:30:38 pm)KTBrazil:can't all be rainbows and skittles
(8:30:56 pm)KTBrazil:how's your week been?
(8:31:07 pm):almost over
(8:31:22 pm)KTBrazil:werd
(8:31:35 pm):?
(8:32:24 pm)KTBrazil:sorry. I use outdated slang on occasion.
(8:32:43 pm):no worries
(8:32:47 pm)KTBrazil:i hear ya. only 8 hours seperating me from the weekend
(8:32:57 pm):and then what?
(8:33:11 pm)KTBrazil:awesome show at Congress on Friday night
(8:33:25 pm):ok...
(8:33:35 pm)KTBrazil:then i think my friends are throwing me a surprise birthday party on Saturday
(8:33:37 pm)KTBrazil:haha
(8:33:41 pm)KTBrazil:you?
(8:33:44 pm):great
(8:33:47 pm):and your on here why?
(8:35:18 pm)KTBrazil:...looking for love?
(8:35:20 pm)KTBrazil:haha
(8:35:49 pm):u seem to have friends, congress and a decent social life/scene...so why here?
(8:37:43 pm)KTBrazil:sure. but I don't fuck my friends. and the bar scene is great if you're looking for a fling, but that's not what I'm looking for
(8:38:10 pm):and the internet has quality, long term guys?
(8:38:23 pm)KTBrazil:who knows. joined yesterday.
(8:38:49 pm):I'd take my chances at Congress to be honest
(8:38:54 pm)KTBrazil:what are YOU looking for, Mr. JudgeyPants?
(8:38:58 pm):there is nothing but one nighters on here
(8:38:58 pm)KTBrazil:lol
(8:39:06 pm):Im just being honest
(8:39:30 pm)KTBrazil:so that's what you're here for then? the next one-nighter?
(8:39:44 pm):no, a two nighters
(8:39:48 pm):or three nighter
(8:40:11 pm)KTBrazil:fair enough
(8:40:57 pm):getting sex is easy but quality sex is not
(8:41:00 pm):at least not in tucson
(8:42:18 pm)KTBrazil:Well, maybe that's because the quality women are looking for more than you're offering
(8:42:53 pm):not at all...where are these quality women first of all? Im a quality guy but how do they know that?
(8:43:18 pm)KTBrazil:you just told me that you're not looking for anything more than casual sex
(8:43:28 pm)KTBrazil:how does that = quality?
(8:43:29 pm):when?
(8:43:53 pm)KTBrazil:so that's what you're here for then? the next one-nighter? no, a two nighters or three nighter
(8:44:13 pm):meaning more...ding dong
(8:44:45 pm)KTBrazil:haha, well that's not what it sounded like.
(8:45:01 pm):well how can it sound like anything when we are just typing..
(8:45:31 pm)KTBrazil:you're also kind of a snarky asshole, though. so maybe that's it. maybe that's just the typing too though.
(8:45:56 pm):ah, and here comes the name calling....nice
(8:47:12 pm)KTBrazil:dude, you've been trying to put me on the defensive this whole conversation. just trying to offer some constructive criticism.
(8:47:25 pm):goodbye DUDE
Monday, August 2, 2010
How to Not Make Friends and Creep People Out
Ok people. For real now. If there's one faux pas that we should all strive to stay away from, it is trying to add a person as a friend on Facebook that you have NEVER MET. It does not matter that you have mutual friends. Face to face contact is REQUIRED and a formal introduction made. Until then... REFRAIN FROM HITTING THE "ADD AS A FRIEND" BUTTON. This ain't MySpace, people.
If you ignore this advice, be assured that you will cause confusion and potentially annoyance. Maybe you'll get accepted. You'll probably be rejected. If the latter happens for the love of God DO NOT try to add them as a friend again. Because now you have just crossed the threshold into creepy stalker territory and your well meaning intentions have now creeped the shit out of the person you hoped to friend in the first place. And really, do NOT send them messages such as the following:
SFC August 2 at 9:09pm
How are you? hope you don't mind my message though we don't know each other but hope we can be friends! Fell free to add ok?
Blessings.
94109 August 2 at 9:10pm
i do not accept friend requests from people i have never met. hope you understand.
SFC August 2 at 9:13pm
Ok! I do understand. Hopefully some time then though I don't know where you usually hang out.
(True story, folks.)
WTF dude. I'm changing my locks and going to bed with a can of mace.
If you ignore this advice, be assured that you will cause confusion and potentially annoyance. Maybe you'll get accepted. You'll probably be rejected. If the latter happens for the love of God DO NOT try to add them as a friend again. Because now you have just crossed the threshold into creepy stalker territory and your well meaning intentions have now creeped the shit out of the person you hoped to friend in the first place. And really, do NOT send them messages such as the following:
SFC August 2 at 9:09pm
How are you? hope you don't mind my message though we don't know each other but hope we can be friends! Fell free to add ok?
Blessings.
94109 August 2 at 9:10pm
i do not accept friend requests from people i have never met. hope you understand.
SFC August 2 at 9:13pm
Ok! I do understand. Hopefully some time then though I don't know where you usually hang out.
(True story, folks.)
WTF dude. I'm changing my locks and going to bed with a can of mace.
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