Um... I'm not Kate

*Names changed to protect the innocent*

Yesterday was like any other work day – it certainly started out just like any other. I woke up at the ass crack of dawn to make my 6 a.m. Bar Method workout. (Why you ask? Why indeed? Because I am vain and want the ass and thighs of steel like my instructors?) I picked up my daily Peet’s. (Total waste of money. I can fall asleep after a cup of coffee.) I drove myself to the Shores where my company resides in a lovely corporate office building that has an IKE’S PLACE on the first floor. (If you’re in the know, you know this is a B.F.D.) I logged in, checked email and all the various news outlets that I simply cannot begin my day without. IM’ed with a few friends. And finally… you know, started working.

This sounds like some boring shit, and I would tend to agree. Little did I know that our mid-afternoon meeting held an unexpected and awkward surprise for me.

In the mid-afternoon our team convened to review the Web copy, layout and UI for a new product we were about to launch. Did I mention I work in marketing? Well, I do, and the marketing team plus our summer interns were all gathered around the table. I was sitting at the very end of the table, next to my co-worker/friend, Jack. We were walking through the new feature sets and testing out the UI of the consumer-facing portions of this site when all of a sudden, I feel Jack’s hand on my back.

Let me back up for a minute to provide a little background information. When I started working at this company two years ago, Jack caught my eye. He is a very witty, sensitive, and smart man that has a very Hugh Grant-esque air about him both in terms of charms and looks. Naturally, I was interested. Apparently the feeling was mutual. For the first six months we flirted like mad and had the most ridiculous sexual tension that you could have cut with a knife. Luckily he had the foresight to realize that dating a co-worker is a bad idea and nothing ever happened, much to my chagrin at the time. Today we are nothing but good friends and we often chat about his relationship with his lovely girlfriend, Kate, while he gives me advice about men. Ok, back to the story.

So, we’re sitting there in the middle of our meeting discussing fascinating topics such as grammar and whether or not that green color will pop better than the orange, when all of a sudden I feel Jack’s hand on my back. And begin to stroke up, and down… and up, and down…

I instantly froze. I was all sorts of confused. I believe the first thing that came to my mind was, “WHAT. THE. FUCK.”

Maybe there was some purpose in him caressing my back? I sneak a peek at him. Hm, no. He’s definitely still going on about the grammar of that one sentence. He isn’t even looking at me. What could this possibly mean? It’s like he isn’t even aware of what he is doing, he is just carrying on as if this is a completely normal part of a marketing meeting. I then sneak a peek around the room. By some grace of God, no one has noticed. Well, if they have, no one is saying anything or reacting. Everyone has looks of serious concentration on their faces, nodding along as Jack continues his analysis and rubs my back. I try to get his attention but he is completely oblivious. The one time he looks over at me and sees my frantic expression on my face, he interprets it as: “That’s a stupid idea, why would we decrease the size of that button?” Jack says, “Well, don’t you agree? Right now we’re really tight on the spacing over there, if we just decrease it a little bit it will give that section some air and then maybe the copy won’t wrap in that awkward way.” Oh, my fucking God there his hand goes down to the small of my back, rubbing. And strokes back up, and down…

Part of me is shocked. Part of me absolutely mortified. And the really immature part of me wants to start laughing out loud. I am simultaneously struggling not to laugh while I turn beet red and look around the room furtively trying to discern whether people have noticed yet. This is now going on a good, oh, minute and a half to two minutes now. Two excruciating minutes.

Finally. Finally for the love of all that is good and holy, I catch his attention and make very pointed sharp glances at his hand on my back. It's his turn to freeze and become all sorts of confused.

"What....? OH. Oh my God. OH, my God. I'm sorry!"

I can't help it, I start snickering and cannot stop. Upon Jack's random outburst and my giggling the entire team's attention is now focused on us. Questioning, wondering, what the fuck are they up to now?

Because he is so flustered, Jack stammers, "Uh, I just, uh I don't know what just happened I was touching her back and didn't know, uh..."

And because I'm still flustered and mortified and amused, all I can manage is, "Um. I'm not Kate!"

Non-plussed, my boss just says, "Ok, I don't know what just happened but anyway...". The meeting continues without further incident.

Jack types out a note on his laptop, and flashes his screen at me: "I'm really sorry. I was up til 4 last night. I don't know what just happened, I'm mortified."

Well, all I can say is that a little unexpected back-rubbing does way more than a cup of coffee to jolt me awake from a mid-afternoon slump.